Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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