I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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