The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
