Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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