He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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