someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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