He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
