I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
