i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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