I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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