Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
