im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
