Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
