I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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