Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize