I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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