you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
