"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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