My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
