i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Can't talk, ducks in the car
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
