i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Pooping to opera.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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