we made out on top of his cat.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
