im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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