The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
