Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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