I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
