Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize