I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
