If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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