i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
