Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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