GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just made my gag reflex go away.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
