i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
only you would photoshop your dick
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize