I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
