If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
