4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
