DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
