4 words: hood of his car
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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