I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
