omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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