Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
