Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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