Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
