we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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