i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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