I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
