What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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