I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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