Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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