Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize