u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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