i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
