I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
