I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
