I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
