Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
