Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
