Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
