i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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