I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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