Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
