he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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