So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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