So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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