You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
