can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
