He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
