Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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