It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
