You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
smell my finger.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
