I just pynch a tree in the face
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
